Candidate Questions 2018

Portsmouth City Councilor Candidate, Chase Hagaman, answers the Tug’s Tough Questions.

Q: Do you like the Tug? And what is your understanding of how website hosting works?

A: Yes – I am a big fan of sarcasm and satire. Because if you can’t laugh, what’s the point? Mother always said I should find a wife that understands my unique sense of humor. Luckily, I did, and she is awesome!

Most complex line of code I ever wrote used HTML for a basic webpage during a college project. However, I did craft my own website for this City Council campaign using the handy templates found on Squarespace, which is probably a pretty good example of web hosting.

I purchased the URL www.ChaseHagaman.com, and then used Squarespace to host — on their servers, likely in a data center somewhere — the aforementioned, self-designed website so that the awesome people of Portsmouth can then check it out. Go do that!

But with how frequently Squarespace crashes, it seems more likely that my website is actually hosted in the founder’s mother’s basement.

Q: Would you rather fight one Blalock-sized Pearson, or 3 Pearson-sized Blalocks?

A: One Blalock-sized Pearson. I mean, come on, have you ever seen the luchador battles in Nacho Libre? Not Jack Black’s best work, but it proves one foe is better than several. Side note, I love movies.

Q: Tell us a secret about yourself that might negatively affect your campaign. Please keep it under 140 characters so it is convenient to Tweet and paint on an overpass.

A: After years of education, I still sometimes have to lookup whether I should use “affect” or “effect.” If in a bind, I’ll just use “impact.”

Q: Are you passionate about Portsmouth? Enough to literally have sex with it? Don’t think about it too long, the mechanics are confusing.

A: I LOVE Portsmouth. But, I wouldn’t have sex with it (regardless of the mechanics) because I love our city more like a member of my family, and those sort of relations are frowned upon in most states.

Getting down to brass tacks, I go to battle for family and close friends, vouch for them, listen to them, have compassion for them and work to continually improve relationships with them. If elected, I would exercise the same passion for Portsmouth in my role as a City Councilor.

Q: If you press this button, one random candidate you don’t support will never get on the council, but one random candidate you do support will never eat bacon again in their lifetime. Do you press the button?

A: NO! As Benjamin Franklin once said, “In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except [the deliciousness of bacon] and taxes.” Oh, is that not how it goes?

Q What is your all time favorite conspiracy theory?

A: That airplane “chem-trails” are spraying substances upon the world’s population, specifically in the United States, to help the government control our minds. I think that effort is seriously backfiring considering Congress’ approval ratings are basically at an all-time low.

Q: Finally, there’s AN historic trolley speeding down the track, coming to AN historic junction. You are standing at the historically designed switch box, dressed historically. One track leads to a set of luxury condos. On the other, a new parking garage. Do you pull the switch to save the condos, or the parking?

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A: This sounds like AN historically difficult conundrum.

I hope the condos and garage are empty because I would like to avoid too much collateral damage and a next day headline in The Tug, like “Historically Clad Candidate Causes Historic Carnage with Poor Track Choice.”

And who designed these trolley tracks so that they literally run into structures, or placed the structures on the tracks!? Sounds like things should be a little better thought out. . .

Upon closer inspection of the obviously “to scale” illustration provided, I would send the historic and speeding trolley toward the new parking garage because it seems likely to derail — missing both the garage and condos — as it attempts to take the track’s historically sharp corner forced upon it by me pulling the lever on the historically designed switch box at just the right time! Next day’s headline: “Historic Crowd Cheers Quick Thinking Councilor-Elect.”