Tug’s Top Ten Holiday Gift Guide

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It’s that time of year again. Time to go into overdraft trying in vain to make your family and friends happy knowing full well you are going to be a constant disappointment to everyone around you no matter what you do, but you try. That’s the magic of Christmas.

We’re here to take some of the stressful decision making out of your crazy Holiday season in an effort to keep you alive and spending money in Portsmouth as long as you can for HarborCorp. You may find happiness in these purchases. Chase that dragon!

10) Safety Pin Clothes

You can be fashionable and friendly at the same time. Angela Drew, owner of Wear House on Congress street has added a small section at the back of her store that focuses on safety pin enhanced clothing. Try the extra safe Men’s Blazer that will let everyone in Market Square know you are an ally.

Ladies this beauty was handcrafted by local costume designer Jeanne McCartin, who didn’t know the safety pin stood for anything, “I just had a lot of spare safety pins so this is fortuitous, and I’m gonna make a shit ton of money off this one.”

9) People I Hate Notebook

Sometimes it’s hard to keep track of all the people you hate which is why we recommend this convenient book “People I Hate” for that person in your life who hates a lot of people.  Haters know where to find it. They always do.

8) Mark Brighton Activist Doll

On a budget? Free gifts! Head on down to Prescott Park every Saturday and Sunday at 1pm, when the Trolley Tour is happening,  and Mark Brighton will be handing out dolls fashioned after his own image and likeness. We don’t know why and we didn’t ask. Because FREE! And he has thousands of them. Literally thousands. We don’t know where he got the investment to purchase all of them. If you can tell us we will pay you handsomely.

Your little ones will just see a stuffed animal. They’re young. They don’t know any better. Don’t worry too hard about it.

7) Is This Good or Not? Glasses

Steve Pamboukes from Port City Makerspace has invented what he calls, The Emperor’s New Clothes glasses. “You put them on and you can see for yourself whether the art in this town is good or not. It filters out hype and gets straight to the fucking point, is this shit or is it good? We’ve been working on the algorithm for a long time and he has it just about perfected. Just look at whatever you want to look at and let the apparatus do the rest. It will a notification to your phone to tell you if it’s worth getting excited about.”

Although these glasses sell for a hefty $5,000 a pair to own, they can be rented out on a daily basis for a small fee and a signed contract.

6) Jack Blalock’s Bitchin Party Guide: How to Make Your Own Hawaiian Shirt (and stay sexy doing it) 

Our Mayor is a man who wears many hats. Among them, best partier of Portsmouth. Inside you’ll find entertaining tips and directions for fashioning your own Hawaiian shirt so you can party like the party-man of Portsmouth himself. Pull down some tail with it. God knows you’re lonely.

Can be found at RiverRun Bookstore on Fleet Street. It is definitely NOT in the Antiquarian Bookstore.

5) A Twee Fucking Bell for your Bike with a Basket on It

Got a cute bike? Complete it with this twee fucking bell. Look at this thing. People will hear you coming in all your biking glory. Thanks to the bespoke design of this twee-ass bell, people will know exactly what you’re saying: Fuck cars.

Only sold at Papa Fucking Wheelies.

4) A Roll of Quarters to Hold in Your Fist as you Fight People over the Last Parking Space in Portsmouth

Go to any bank. Hold it in your fist. Keep your grip loose and go for the temple. Fight until that spot is yours and your opponent is left bleeding like a little bitch on the ground with a head injury.

3) Tiny Violin Lessons from PMAC

The ukulele is out, the tiny violin is in. Learn to play it as some kind of statement when someone is sad about how they shouldn’t be sad anymore.

2) Emergency Cleaner

A Special high powered, homemade cleaner you can carry with you in case you have to use the parking garage bathroom. Fits into a backpack. Stop hovering and start using the toilet like a goddamn human being. Nobody should have to live like this. This is Portsmouth not fucking Rochester.

Next to the cash register at Portsmouth Provisions. Comes with free Slim Jim!

1) Super Special Snowflake Sweater

Because we’re all just that here in Portsmouth. Fuck you Trump.