With the “other” and crappier news organizations throwing out their endorsements today, we figured we’d better hop on it, so you can know for whom you should mindlessly fill in an ellipse with a Sharpie on November 7th.
The sitting mayor of Portsmouth has really changed things by organizing an underground resistance of blue collar workers and service-people, called a “fight club”, which we aren’t supposed to talk about. He demonstrates these clubs by literally fighting himself while talking to someone named “Rick”, who we’ve never seen.
We’ve heard their ultimate plan is to safely demolish the McIntyre building one evening when it is abandoned and all neighboring areas are safe, as he and Councilor Nancy Pearson look on thoughtfully to the tune of The Pixies’, “Where is My Mind”.
We cannot endorse Jack without endorsing Rick, because, as we have learned, Beckstead is a hallucination of Jack’s intense mind that he imagined when he first saw a particular Norman Rockwell painting. It may also be why Rick manifests as the “Avatar of Portsmouth”, grown from Jack’s insecurity of “not loving Portsmouth enough… not as much as Rick.”
We mentioned Nancy above, but we’ve learned to never cross her. She will fucking fight you, and she is not shy about it, which is probably how she got roped into Operation Mayhem. In all honesty, she’s standing here threatening us as we type this. Please, Nancy, please don’t hurt us. We’re endorsing you already. Look, we’re typing it right now.
At first we weren’t going to endorse Cliff, because he’s just too… fucking… agreeable. The way he talks to you when you look into that cheerfully paternal yet elfish face just makes us feel good about ourselves, which we, being the cynics we are, find extremely annoying.
Of course then we heard his family struck oil recently, and he’s about to come into a huge sum of money. Since our Harborcorp paychecks are running thin lately, we’re kissing up wherever we can.
We’re endorsing Paul because, well, he’s a goddamned Giant. Have you seen this dude? He’s taller than the liberty pole. He’s taller than North Church, for fucks sake. He’s so tall he actually violates several city zoning ordinances. As councilor, we hope he will tower menacingly over all who oppose us. He can also be helpful when it comes time to rebuild Yet Another Bridge.
Rebecca Perkins Kwoka
Rebecca has been critical to moving the city forward, and we mean way forward. We’re not ones for patience, and we want someone versed enough in zoning laws that within 2 years Portsmouth won’t be just a working port, but the country’s first working spaceport. Forget Pease Airfield, we’re talking to the Moon or Mars and back. We can build affordable housing out there.
Brian Kelly, Josh Denton, Jason Walls, and Chase Hagaman
We’re endorsing these four only because they were the only candidates who had the giant cojones enough to actually respond to our important council questions. Even though Josh sent them to us like yesterday, slacker – so you’ll see those soon.
Bob the Hammered Dulcimer Player
Yeah, that’s ten already, and he’s not running, but we’re writing him in anyway. Portsmouth has a huge revenue problem, and we need someone who will stand up to the state when it comes to fairness and the room and meals tax. Bob not only cranks out jaunty tunes on Market Street with a variety of instruments, he’s also excellent at making sure people fucking pay him for it – someone you definitely want on your side.