The Tug, a subsidiary of HarborCorp, has retained a team of lawyers that makes every other group of lawyers look like a flock of dumb assholes, sources said Thursday.
The ultra-expensive power move comes as a surprise considering the broad Constitutional freedoms the press enjoys, and a veritable cricket team of First and Fourth Amendment lawyers who would gladly work pro-bono for a shit hot publication like The Tug should any sort of legal action be taken against them.
“The Tug is already basically unsinkable,” said City Attorney Bob Sullivan in an interview that definitely happened and is being stated unmistakably as fact right here on a website that is obviously intended to be taken seriously and would not be at all protected by Constitutional provisions for satire or parody. “If you imagine the Tug as a real tugboat, then it’s a tugboat made out of bullet-proof diamond-plated copies of the Constitution and it’s powered by fires lit by James Madison himself during the American Revolution.”
The team of lawyers, whose names you would recognize from the sides of large impressive buildings, knows all that good legal shit: Subpoenas. Objections. Quashing. Prima Facae. Malicious litigation. Gavels. They even hired one of the British lawyers with the wig and everything, and you bet that motherfucker has been knighted.
It remains unclear who could possibly want to confront the universally beloved monolith of news and truth, but anyone who does will now have to face down a crack team of lawyers, one of whom inspired Al Pacino’s character in Devil’s Advocate.
Representatives of the Tug could not be reached for comment, because they are anonymous and always will be on account of the lawyers, so we had to take a quote from the writers of this article:
“Come get some.”