With the assassination of musician Gordon Beadle over the weekend, jazz watchdogs have warned that Portsmouth Music and Arts Center head Russ Grazier and the guy from Bruce Springsteen’s band are the last active living saxophone players who are not Bill Clinton.
“I always knew it would come down to me, Clinton, and the guy from Bruce Springsteen’s band,” sad Grazier. “I can never remember his name, but the Born to Run solo is still pretty good.”

Combining the raw animal sexuality of cooler brass instruments with the sophistication of reeds and woodwinds, the saxophone reached the zenith of its popularity in Quarterflash’s 1981 hit “Harden My Heart”. It remained a popular choice for sex-having musicians until ska ruined everything during the 90’s.

Now, it may disappear forever if Russ Grazier, Springsteen guy, or Bill Clinton passes away, retires, or suffers a career ending finger or mouth injury.

“I’ve been trying like hell to teach someone how to play this this thing,” Grazier said, gesturing to “Rebel Jenny”, his alto sax and common-law wife. “That’s what PMAC is all about, but we’ve run into difficulties finding students who can handle it. Playing the sax is like knowing who to shoot when confronted with a set of identical twins, one of whom is evil. It’s like speaking the deep language of volcanos and using it to seduce the First and Second Chair Violinists of the New York Philharmonic in the Playboy Mansion Grotto. Can you teach that? Can anyone?”

Most promising students at PMAC are approached for the Saxophone Scholarship Program, funded by a $500,000 grant from the New Hampshire Charitable Foundation, but few sustain for more than a few weeks.

“Most of them just wash out and end up playing bass.”