Returning from a vacation to find a city in chaos after numerous dust-ups and crises, both real and manufactured, City Councilor Rebecca Perkins suggested that everyone just cool it for a while.
“Jesus, you guys. I walk away for one second and it’s Lord of the Flies af in here,” said the Millennial City Councilor.
“You all have no chill.” she added Millennially. “I need you to have some. I need you to take a lethal dose of chill. I need you to die from the cold from the chill.”
Having “no chill” is a Millennial term for not being able to hang out in a cool way, sources report.
“Between the all the salt in public comment that was already there, Jim Splaine’s stupid thing, HarborCorp going to the NH Supreme Court, things are too lit right now. I’m really disappointed tbh, you guys. I wanted you to keep it 100 but you kept it at like 50.”
She then made the following Millennial noises:
“I’m just tryna speak my truth on affordable housing, increase supply by 1% per year which is a really good idea and should be hella easy were it not for our busted ass zoning laws, make this a nice place to live and work for young professionals, and keep the government a hundo p. We had squad goals. I take one vacation to recharge my batteries cause I’m tired boots and you fuck me. Now we have this Jim thing and, really guys, this is so dumb. I’d say I can’t even, but I know you fucks stereotype me, and I’m a lawyer with a degree from Cornell, so I definitely can even. I can even as all hell, you nards. Did you know I’m older than Steve Marchand was when he joined city council? You all took him seriously. Well, I got more votes than him, and believe I’m serious when I say I need you to chill the fuck out.”
Councilors, civic leaders, and everyone else in Portsmouth admit that things have gotten out of hand recently, and apologized, but Perkins urged them to take action.
“I don’t know what you need. Drink some rosé, take a bath, watch some West Wing, you do you, but get your shit together Portsmouth, and end this white people nonsense. I can’t believe I’m the only adult in the room here. Perkins out!”