“I understand our sign is a little low,” says Monte Bohanan, tall person, prolific bike thief, and marketing guru for The Music Hall. “I didn’t think anyone would notice.”
Bohanan helped shepard the new marquee and signage for the Music Hall into existence through a public private partnership with the city, spanning years and hundreds of thousands of dollars, along with no shortage of hard work and finesse. It’s also just a little hard for short people to read.
A vertical portion of the sign dips below a horizontal portion at a certain angle, rendering the neon signage for “Music Hall” reading “Music Hal” [sic]. Recently, a group of citizen activists under 6 feet tall has petitioned the city to move the sign higher, or otherwise change the name.
“It’s just so unclear,” says citizen activist and 5’3 person Stephanie Vincent. “Is it Music Hall or Music Hal? I think this is a wayfinding issue and we’d like to see the city step in.”
“I think it’s important that we get this right,” says fellow short cybernetic citizen activist and soon-to-be-former Assistant Mayor Jim Splaine. “In another city we might just let this go as a trick of perspective, but here in Portsmouth we have higher standards, which is why I replaced my own treacherous eyeball with a cybernetic eye that can see, among other things, Portsmouth as it should be. It was very painful.”
Problem attorney Duncan Macallum, 5’5, announced that he plans to file suit with a group of Greenland and Stratham residents against the Music Hall.
“Look, I’m 5’7 and I see the perspective that this is a private matter between the Music Hall and their donors, but I really want to make this about me,” says Macallum, still 5’5. “I don’t know why I have to be like this but I’ve learned to live with myself somehow. We all have our roles to play and this one is mine.”
When asked if there was nothing that was beyond the scope of concern or any point at which a person intervening in something petty might feel shame, Macallum seemed surprised.
“We have to be mad about everything all the time. This is the agreement we made, isn’t it? Anyway, I’m 6’20 and the vertical part of the sign is too low and I don’t feel great about myself so this is my thing now, ok? I will die for this sign.”
Our interview was briefly interrupted as a shirtless Jack Blalock arrived on the scene sporting his signature and storied chrome Colt Python, “Eminent Domain”, which he used to shoot out the bottom L with expert or extremely lucky accuracy. He may have been aiming for Macallum.
“If you’ll be my bodyguard, I can be your long lost Hal,” Blalock reportedly said before ducking into the shadows.
We tried to reach Music Hall staff for a response but Bohanan had apparently gone home for the day in the confusion and we couldn’t find our bicycle.