As the Planning Department prepares to present the City of Portsmouth 2025 Master Plan to the city council this November, some residents are skeptical about a small, line-item provision to replace every restaurant in the city with Mexican eateries by 2025.
“I’m a little skeptical,” reported regular citizen Mike Hazelton. “Don’t get me wrong. I like pico de gallo as much as the next guy-o, but this seems excessive”
“Please don’t tell anyone that pico de gallo joke. It might play as racist. I really regret it now.” he added.
“It’s pretty obvious where the market is headed,” said Planning Board Chair John Ricci, “With so many Mexican restaurants opening in abandoned or closed locations, it’s clear that the Seacoast has an insatiable craving for tacos, burritos, and quesadillas and fuck everything else. We think we can incentivize entrepreneurs to fill this crushing void Portsmouth has in it’s heart for Mexican food, authentic or not. We will all be satisfied. We will all eat our fill.”
“Look at the facts,” stated Councilor Rebecca Perkins who represents the council on the Planning Board, holding a foil-wrapped carnitas burrito in one hand and gesturing with the other hand which also held a burrito, “with the only Mexican restaurants in the area being Dos Amigos Burritos, Vida Cantina, Poco Diablo’s, Agave, Margaritas, Loco Cocos Tacos [in Kittery] and the soon to be opening La Carreta, we’re only about halfway there. Does that sound like enough to you? Madre de Dios. We have a guac gap to fill and all of us need to be bringing the avocados. I’m looking at you Splaine. I know you have a thing with texture but this burden belongs to all of us.”
When asked if the recent open discussion on food trucks was related to the provision, Ricci, suddenly wearing a sombrero that wasn’t there before, shouted, “Por supuesto! When Donald Trump famously threatened that there would be a ‘taco truck on every corner’ if he wasn’t elected, we took that as a challenge, not a warning. Wouldn’t that just be the best?”
The provision includes a plan to transition one set of restaurants every six months, starting with Bow St. restaurants along the docks and ending with Geno’s Chowder.
“Yes, even Genos,” Ricci said.
We reached out to local restaurant entrepreneur Jay del Potro at his villa in Playa del Rye if the plan would cause any unwanted competition, “Ay que rico,” he laughed, setting down his mariachi trumpet and silencing his band, who looked on respectfully. “La gente quieren que la gente quieren. Arriba!”
Ben Anderson no pudo ser contactado para hacer comentarios.