After a pervasive wave of mediocre graffiti, the DPW and PPD have teamed up on a counter-graffiti task force to dissuade the vandals by just drawing dicks on everything.

“Honestly, we just haven’t had the manpower to catch them in the act,” said Portsmouth Chief of Police Robert Merner. “You would think that, with the erection of this much amateur street art, someone would have seen something. Not to stroke their ego, but apparently the perpetrators are either very fast, or very tiny. Either way, not very satisfying.”

“That’s when we had the idea,” said Director of DPW Peter Rice. “If we can’t catch the vandals, why not play our hand and beat them at their own game by plastering crudely drawn dicks on everything? With all available space gone, they’d be forced to give up prematurely.”

The Historic District Commission approved the plan after some contentious discussion that was really hard-on the group. “Naturally, at first, we didn’t just want a bunch of dicks painted on everything in town,” said HDC Vice-Chair Vince Lombardi. “But in a similar vein, we realized that Portsmouth has a long, deep history of giant dicks getting in the way of things. I mean, Duncan McAllum really raised the bar.”

Work is set to begin in the coming weeks, penetrating all available brick space, mausoleums, and gravestones. “However, the HDC pissed on the idea of painting dicks on Macro Polo,” said Rice. “After all, they sell things that are dicks, and we didn’t want other businesses to feel impotent when it came to advertising.”

“Penis,” he added.