Candidate Questions 2018

Portsmouth City Councilor Candidate, Brian Kelly, answers the Tug’s Tough Questions.

Q: Do you like the Tug? And what is your understanding of how website hosting works?

A: I like the Tug. Hosting is when you pay a company to host your files on the internet, which is a series of interconnected computers, much like we’re connected in a community except with more pornography. Anyone can pay for hosting and it is very cheap. Just now I bought thetugsucks.com. I know that’s just buying a URL but I could probably get something hosted on there if I googled it hard enough. That’s the sort of willingness to learn that I hope to bring to the city council, if the people will have me.

Q: Would you rather fight one Blalock-sized Pearson, or 3 Pearson-sized Blalocks?

A: I’ll take 3 Pearson sized Blalocks. They’re both scrappy, and I don’t anticipate winning against either, but I feel like Pearson would try to kill you whereas Jack would just hurt you really bad and give you a lecture like your dad afterwards.

Q: Tell us a secret about yourself that might negatively affect your campaign. Please keep it under 140 characters so it is convenient to Tweet and paint on an overpass.

A:

┻┳|
┳┻|
┻┳|
┳┻|
┻┳|
┳┻| _
┻┳| •.•)  it belongs on Peirce Island
┳┻|⊂ノ
┻┳|

Q: Are you passionate about Portsmouth? Enough to literally have sex with it? Don’t think about it too long, the mechanics are confusing.

A: I wouldn’t have sex with Portsmouth. I would make love to her. I would seduce her at Street’za because it is new and unassuming but intimate. The West End is a growing community hub that serves as an alternative to downtown and we should support its growth. We would Uber back to my apartment, because you can’t stop the march of the future and it is very convenient. I would start on the North End, passionately kissing around Maplewood. I would work my way south, gingerly caressing Deer Street. I would linger for a moment near the North Church because it’s an important landmark. She would nod and guide my hand to Gates Street. A noise complaint would be called in.

Q: If you press this button, one random candidate you don’t support will never get on the council, but one random candidate you do support will never eat bacon again in their lifetime. Do you press the button?

A: I apologize but nobody can eat bacon on the Council anymore because I just pushed this button ten times, just to be safe. The risks are too great. Sacrifices have to be made.

Q What is your all time favorite conspiracy theory?

A: The Tug is city funded.

Q: Finally, there’s AN historic trolley speeding down the track, coming to AN historic junction. You are standing at the historically designed switch box, dressed historically. One track leads to a set of luxury condos. On the other, a new parking garage. Do you pull the switch to save the condos, or the parking?

Screen Shot 2017-09-30 at 2.24.21 PM

A: Save the parking. Luxury condos are a poor use of developable land if we’re pursuing affordability. So are surface lots, but condos are worse for us currently. I don’t know if that makes me a bad person, but sometimes city counciling requires us to make impossible choices.