Now that the final Prescott Park Master Plan has been approved with a weak-ass temporary stage setup, Prescott Park Arts Festival (PPAF) director Ben Anderson said that all this nonsense has finally crossed a line, stating “Fuck it, we’re building it anyway.”

Experts agree that if Prescott Park Arts Festival decided to build something in the park, very few natural, governmental, or supernatural powers could stop them.  

In the dark hours of early Saturday morning, construction vehicles converged on the frozen park, while PPAF volunteers put up yellow caution tape around the area. A small entryway was left open for those who wanted to help, with a sign saying “suggested donation: shut the fuck up and get to work”. They know they’re not allowed to obstruct free passage through the park, but they’re all done with the rules. They had already broken ground on the foundation when the sun came up.

The Tug was on the scene and, after complying with the suggested donation because that’s how the festival sustains their valuable public service, we interviewed Anderson, who, being Canadian, is no stranger to building stages in snow and ice.


“I’m tired of this all-talk no-action temporary stage bullshit. We’re building the goddamned stage right here. We’re going to carve it from the frozen earth and it’s going to be fucking beautiful and it will last until the sea swallows up Portsmouth,” he said. “It will be so tall and grand that God would curse us to speak different languages forever if he weren’t so into Shakey Graves. I don’t know what kind of wretched, joyless motherfucker wouldn’t be behind this beautiful permanent stage.”

“Sorry for the language”, he added Canadianly.

“Let them try and stop us,” said Angela Green, PPAF Operations manager. “We have the city behind us. What are they going to do? Tie themselves to something and stand in the way? There isn’t anything they can – oh god fucking dammit, Brighton!”

Green was interrupted by local irritant Mark Brighton who was riding the well-known whale statue, shouting  “I don’t even know why I’m here. This is just what I do now. I am going to stick my tongue on this frozen statue and you won’t be able to get me out of here. Get your cameras over here you’re going to want to get this.”

Anderson was later seen sighing and rubbing his temples while commanding the construction team to the best of his ability while Brighton shouted slurs and things about taxes at the top of his lungs.

Later in the morning, fellow activist Esther Kennedy arrived on the scene.

“I just came by to see what Mark Brighton was getting up to,” she said. “How delightful.”

Ben Anderson couldn’t be reached for comment after that.