The play, which you’re going to have to see, is at least two hours long, and is generating a level of excitement from the cast that will lead to truly disastrous social consequences should you choose not to attend.

“No really, I know I say every show I’m involved with is going to be ‘epic’ but this one is really going to be epic. For real this time,” said actor Chris Savage. “This show makes every other show I’ve been involved with look like butt.”

We called Chairperson of the Artistic Committee at the Players’ Ring, Todd Hunter to see if this was, in fact, true.

“Everything about this play is so good. It’s life-changing really. The cast. The script. The set. The lights. The direction. The sound. The sound design. The costume design. The stage management.  The crew. The props. …” he went on.

Sources say it’s going to be hard to come up with an excuse not to see this one. The production team secured a long run after wedding season that intercepts several holiday weekends, and the tickets are too reasonably priced to provide an excuse. Your absence would be noted.

“We can see everyone from the stage, so we know exactly which friends of ours are coming to see the show,” said actor Tomer Oz. “We’ll definitely be able to discover who made a conscious decision not to share this artistic journey with us, not that anyone would want to. This show is so good. The cast is really close and we really bring out the best in each other, you know?”

“We’re really more like a family,” he added annoyingly.

Posts to social media show the cast of the production gathering socially nearly every night, even when not rehearsing, and at least two of them are probably fucking, sources say.

“I hate theater. I fucking hate actors even more.  Is the show going to be good?” Jamie Bradley of Seacoast Repertory Theatre asked rhetorically. “Does it even matter?”