Love is in the air and things are getting strange, which means it’s time for Portsmouth to get to fuckin’. That’s right, Valentines Day is just around the corner, and it’s your patriotic duty to resist the smothering pillow of creeping fascism with these clever gifts and knick knacks from Off Piste.

Tug Val 1

An eight is still pretty good, and most people will feel good about it. Bonus points if you have a 9 or a 10 because you should never let them know that you’re the reacher in the relationship. It’s fine to rate your significant other. There is a precedent.

 

Tug Val 10

A dozen roses with a picture of your significant other’s parents with the word FAILING superimposed over it. Your significant other will love you more because every relationship is an attempt to not imitate the relationship between your parents. Their parents don’t have sex anymore, so therefore you will. Then you won’t be failing, you’ll be winning. Those are the only two states you can be in anymore.

 

Tug Val 5

These candy hearts are clever because Hitler spoke German and we still should be sensitive to all of that stuff. They’re also pretty cheap as far as gifts go. The value is in your cleverness, not in your gift, that’s why you went to Off Piste for Valentines Day. That’s why you’re taking advice from The Tug. Jesus Christ, look at yourself.

 

 

Tug Val 3

Late Capitalism is weird, but you’re going to get fucked on whatever night you give this card by whomever you give it to. They’ll think you’re clever. They’ll think you’re clever enough to protect them from what is happening.

 

 

 

 

Tug Val 4

The hearts are yellow because the Kremlin likely has compromising video or photographs on Donald Trump, as evidenced by the easing of sanctions in recent days despite Russia rocketing population centers in Ukraine and influencing the election in Donald Trump’s favor in order to weaken the west and usher in an age of Russian supremacy. They also just made domestic abuse legal. That’s the real joke here. Some people like to be peed on for sexual release and that’s fine and not funny. The humor is not in that.

 

 

Tug Val 6

“Bigly” is a portmanteau of “Big League” that we latched onto because it sounds dumb. It doesn’t really matter. We have no control over this narrative and words don’t have meaning. Control floats ever away from our grasp, which is what this picture symbolizes, and one of the only things we can control is when and who we fuck. The idea of this is that you give this to someone and they want to fuck you, which gives you some fleeting control. Make sure to fuck good.

 

 

 

Tug Val 8Here the juxtaposition of requesting nude photographs from someone and the defining moment of the 21st Century creates a bit of humor, and it’s all on a bear which is pretty absurd. It’s important for the person you’re trying to fuck to know that you’re edgy and not afraid to make a 9/11 joke. Transgressive humor is one of the last acceptable and effective forms of protest, and it too will fade. The orgasm will be the last acceptable form of protest, and hopefully this will help you have one with someone else.

 

 

 

Tug Val 9

Get a little sexy, because we are all going to die, and now probably sooner than ever. Off Piste has these panties with a dead fox on them to remind your lover that you are a fox and that you and everyone you know will be dead like that fox. Soon there will be nobody left to read the words on these panties, or in this blog, or in all the libraries in the world. Writing was always just another way to postpone the death of thought. It was always temporary, all of this. Now it ends. Perhaps the echoes of the joy of your lovemaking will vibrate the universe in some way, just like we still hear echoes of the Big Bang. Maybe something will hear it someday and know that you boned after giving a clever gift on Valentines Day.

 

Find all these things at Off Piste